TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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