Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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