There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
