i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize