UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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