i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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