Your dad touched me again.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
