my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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