i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
