apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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