I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
