I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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