I'm gonna have a badass scar
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
