I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
