i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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