I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
