I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
