that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
