She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
