Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
