I think my vagina is haunted
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
