just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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