The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
