I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
