I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
