cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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