your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
