I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
