i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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