This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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