I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
