I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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