What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize