I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
