Rock
Scissors
Fuck
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
