I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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