So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
