she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
