the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
