Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
