i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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