Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
