I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
