i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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