Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize