I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize