Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
