I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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