no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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