So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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