I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This house was built for laser tag.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
