I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
