i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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