i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
