you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
