My underwear smells like fireworks.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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