Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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