This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
