things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
