ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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