I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's blow job season.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize