my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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